Pitiful Prose // Bad Guys…?

Pitiful Prosenew

Hey guys! Oh, and…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I can’t believe it’s already 2019…It sounds so…futuristic. XD

the robot dancing GIF

The past few weeks have been pretty busy for me, with Christmas and New Years and trying to get back into the normal way of life. I’m planning on posting a 2018 year review, along with some goals I have for this year sometime this month, so you can watch out for that. πŸ™‚

Anyways, I’m back with a pitiful bit of prose just for you! This little scribbling is what partially inspired my superhero trilogy that I’ve had in the back of my head for years. It’s really clunky, really cheesy, and I hope you laugh.

Two men came in.

I knew those two baddies, so I hid behind a table.*

*Stellar opening, 10/10.

Jake, the boss, went up to the water park*, while Jasper, the asisstant, stood guard at the bottom.

*…up?

I decided to have some fun. I walked up to where Jasper was guarding (which was Manager Hofsteads office)* and said, “Hiya, Jasper!”

*Okay, but, like, what exactly is he guarding? The entrance to this manager’s office? Or…the water park that is apparently on top of it? Couldn’t he be used in a more useful way? -_-

Jasper whipped his head at me* and stuttered, “M-M-Melody,”

*”Right in the head, he just smacked me with his face.” XD

I held back a giggle. “I didn’t know you had a job as asisstant manager!”

“I….d-d-don’t,”

“Then why are you standing in front of Mr. Hofsteads door?”

“I…..”

“What are you doing Jasper?”

“I……he…..”

“He who?”

“Jake,” he said slowly.

“I didn’t know he was out of jail,”

“He is……”*

*I’m…really, really unsure what is supposed to be so funny about this exchange. What……was I……..thinking………..with…..all……..of………these………..ellipsis…….?

“What was that?”*

*Is this supposed to be a sarcastic remark? Or did she actually hear something and we just don’t get to know that?

Jasper stopped talking, and let me through.

Mr. Hofstead was in there, and I decided not to worry him.* His office is like a door into a room and then another door in the back that leads up to the water slide. So his office under the Water Slide.

*Another thing: what is there to worry about? So far, these two dudes, bad guys, whatever, have done absolutely nothing to indicate that they might be doing something nefarious. Melody is just assuming that because they’re bad guys…they’re going to, I don’t know what, blow up the building? Rob from…the waterpark? I really just don’t know.

I tried to walkd Stealthly* to the door but he was walking out. I was thinking that Jake must have used the ladder on the side of the office.*

*Grammar, little me. Grammar.
*…why is there a ladder?

“Melody, can I help you?”

“um, going up this way?”

Mr. Hofstead looked reprimending, but he said “Alright.”*

*Did I think I sounded smart? And also, really dude? You’re going to just let this kid…use your office to…get to the top of the…waterpark…? I’m done. I can’t figure this out.

I raced up to the rood* to listen in on what Jake might be saying.I had flipped on my side and was using the little hole at the top to listen.* I heard Mayor Galvin, Wait and his daughter!*

*I’m assuming this is supposed to be ‘roof’, but with the way this story is going, it really could be anything.
*..little hole…? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
*Feels like I should acknowledge this development, but just really doesn’t care at this point.

I gt off the roof and sneaked in. Jake must have seen me sneaking under the second floor, because he stepped on my hand, which threw him a little off balance.*

*That…that wouldn’t throw you off balance. That would just hurt your hand really bad.

I ran up to the second floor, the highest spot in the park.*

*What even is this place? What’s the layout? Where are we??

“I have got to get a new asisstant.” Jake said grabbing his knife. “Oh, well, you’re too late anyway!”

I saw the Mayor and his daughter, hanging on to the ledge of the slide, but Jake was in my way.

“Let them go!” I said.

“Never!” he said, cutting the rope.

I had to stop him. “Wait!” I shouted. Jake stopped. “What if I took there place?”*

*… … … what?

Jake looked at me, “You would do that?”

“Of course I would! If it would save there* life,”

*PLEASE JUST USE THE PROPER WORD PLEEEASE.

Jake thought, then said “It would be funner, but I have to do them in for other purposes.”*

*Can Jake talk like a normal human being? Answer: no.

I tookΒ a deep breath. Here goes.*

*…”My sanity.”

The rope snapped. I leaped to grab it, but then Jake grabbed me. He wasn’t strong enough, so I managed to grab the rope, But then we were dangling by a hand. My hand.*

*…I’m so confused. What happened here? I have no idea what happened here.

Jake came closer and said “Wonderful! I’ll finish you all off!” and then he stepped on my hand.*

*See, it DOES hurt.

I had to think fast. Then I remembered a trick I had learned. It’s called the Switcheroo.* I mustered up all the strength I had, grabbed Jake’s foot, and swung the Mayor and his daughter up to safety.

*For some reason this reminds of something a cowboy would say. Not exactly the feeling I wanted to invoke here, I’m pretty sure.

Now I was dangling with Jake hanging on for dear life. I pulled myself up and pulled up Jake too.

Jake was to flabbergasted to speak but the Mayor thanked me and decreed that Jake and Jasper go back to jail.*

*JASPER HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. WHAT ARE YO U DOING.

The Mayor left happily with his daughter. As I handcuffed Jake, he didn’t struggle.* As I walked him down and handcuffed Jasper, strangly, he smiled.*

*And just like that, folks, he’s given up. Why? …We don’t really know!
*Strangly…he wants to strangle you. Is that what that means?

I brought them outside and called the police. Before they got hauled away, Jake quietly said “Thank you.” and then he was gone.

I felt a little twinge in my heart. I didn’t know what to do.

Okay. Yup. That was. Wow. Okay. If you read this entire mess, you deserve a cookie. ^_^ It doesn’t really make sense, but…I was really proud of it when I first wrote it so…that counts for something, right? Let me know if you enjoyed this ridiculousness down below!

New Until Next Time!

5 thoughts on “Pitiful Prose // Bad Guys…?

  1. Oh my goodness. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Madeline, these Pitiful Proses literally NEVER CEASE to make me laugh out loud. Multiple times. And I honestly don’t think it’s because of the writing, because — with the exception of a few bits — it really isn’t all that bad. (Although, granted, this particular one did have some grammatical issues πŸ˜‚) I think it’s mainly your hilarious comments that send me over the edge. Your posts are some of my favorites on the entirety of the blogosphere. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT MEANS TO ME. *collapses* Haha, I suppose it’s not too bad…maybe my younger self wasn’t such a horrible writer. (Yeah, grammar…wasn’t my strong suit. XD) Oh my word, thank you Kenzie!!! YOU ARE THE SWEETEST BEAN. ^____^

      Liked by 1 person

      • MEEP! *hugs* Your younger self DEFINITELY wasn’t such a horrible writer!!! YOU ARE AMAZING AND PERFECTION, MY FRIEND. *gives a cookie* (okay, but grammar was never my strong suit, either. I really don’t know when or how I started picking it up and understanding it, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got a very grammar-educated mite or something infesting my brain. XD)

        Liked by 1 person

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